Frequently asked questions answered for Swinger Guide

Basic Swinging

Swinging can be an emotionally charged lifestyle. First of all, we "are" talking about having sex with someone other than your own spouse. That by itself can be a daunting prospect, especially for couples who haven’t talked a lot about their sexual fantasies. Second, every event you attend is a test of your people skills: you must make a conscious effort to behave diplomatically, and that’s not always easy when you’re used to dealing with your spouse who knows and understands your moods and various tones of voice. Finally, finding couples whom you are attracted to and who are attracted to you is a lot like dating, you try to make a good impression, you send what you hope are appropriate signals, you ask the big question, and you might get rejected. Here are some "basic rules" to remember.

Basic Rules

 1)   Never attempt to break up a couple.
 2)   Set your limits and stick to them. If the other party cannot accept them, leave!
 3)   Move at your own pace, don’t let someone rush you into something you may regret later.
 4)   Always keep the first meeting on a no strings attached basis, but be prepared to swing if it is mutually agreeable or to give an honest answer if something doesn’t click.
 5)   Don’t lie and cheat on your soul mate. If you do you're in the lifestyle for the wrong reason.
 6)   Always keep dates unless you give ample notice of changing circumstances.
 7)   Don’t cross other people’s limits.
 8)   Never, under any circumstances exert pressure on a partner to swing.
 9)   Protect the anonymity of other swingers by refraining from name dropping.
10)   Always maintain the highest standards of personal cleanliness and appearance.
11)   Do not engage in any unlawful activity that would discredit swingers as a group.
12)   Communicate and be honest with your soul mate and other swingers.
13)   No, thanks, means NO! No explanation needed.

Remember a swing club is the last place to be shy. To be successful you need to be open.

Dealing With Jealousy

Jealousy is a problem that many people face. It will always be there to some degree, after all this is the person you love most in the world giving away a very sacred part of your relationship to someone else.

The best thing you can do to reduce jealousy is to communicate with each other about how you feel. If you aren’t comfortable with something that is going on, tell your partner. If you or your partner honestly cannot handle a specific event (tongue kissing/ oral sex/ full swap) you should probably avoid that event. Every couple has their own limitations, it is best to set yours at the point where both you and your spouse are most comfortable.

Each situation is different, don’t jump in until you are ready. If you are having problems in your relationship and you think swinging will help, it won’t. If you have a close relationship built on honesty and communication then swinging will only strengthen that.

Performance

This is something that most people think of in swinging as only affecting the men. Here they are ready to play with some new woman, a woman they have wanted for hours, month’s or even years, and just when everything is falling into place and it’s time to perform they can’t. How many times have we seen this, or had it happen to us. I know I’ve seen it plenty, and the thing is it’s not the guys fault, and it’s not the girls fault either. I mentioned earlier that this affects more than the men, and it does because women have the same problem, it’s just not physically visible. Usually with us it shows itself in that we aren’t able to cum.

What causes this you ask? Simple, not being comfortable in your environment. In a normal dating relationship you don’t have sex with a person until you are comfortable with them, this might be the first date, or it might be 3 months later, at any rate, by the time you get around to swinging you are definitely comfortable with your partner. You know what to expect. When it comes to swinging you could be playing with someone you barely know (if at all), that you only met an hour before and haven’t really even talked to. How comfortable can you be, completely naked trying to have sex with what is basically a perfect stranger? Ok, so some people can, but most can’t.

So what is my advice? Get to know the person you are with ahead of time, our usual rule is talk with them on the phone a few times before meeting them in person. At any rate be comfortable with who you are with. If you aren’t comfortable, don’t do it. Just remember you aren’t alone, it’s actually quite common.

This should be looked at from another angle as well, a warning so to speak to all the single guys out there who think swinging and group sex would be just SOOO cool. Things are much different in real life than in fantasy.

Communication

Communication with your partner is THE most important thing in any relationship, whether you swing or not. It is important to make sure that your partner knows that they are the most important thing to you, and that swinging will always come second. If at any time they feel otherwise, your relationship is in trouble. Before you start swinging you should make sure that your relationship is secure, with a strong backbone of communication. You should talk to each other about what makes you happy, what turns you on, what bothers you and what you could not handle seeing or doing. And you have to listen to each other.

Use the issues you discuss to help you set boundaries and rules when you do enter the lifestyle. Never do anything that either one of you are not comfortable with. Setting boundaries will help insure that feelings are not hurt. Make sure that anyone you swing with is aware of your boundaries and rules prior to swinging. By ensuring that the other people involved are aware of your boundaries you will ensure that your boundaries don’t become a problem later (they will have already been addressed and if the other people you are with can’t handle your boundaries then they should say so). It’s best to discuss this before you get to your party location.

Don’t be afraid to set your boundaries too tight, you can always expand them later, as you both grow more comfortable with what you are doing. However, if you set the boundaries too loose or don’t set any at all, it is very likely that one of you will get their feelings hurt, because something happened that the other wasn’t comfortable with.

Communication must occur at all times. This includes, not only when the two of you are alone, but even when you are with other couples, no matter how may times you have been with them.

Before you and your partner go out to meet another couple, establish ways to communicate between yourselves that others won’t be aware of. That way if you meet someone and one of you is not interested, they can communicate that without flat out saying it. The same goes with if you are both interested and want to proceed.

Don’t be afraid to speak up during an encounter if something is bothering you, or if you aren’t comfortable for any reason. Keeping feelings to yourself will only cause resentment. It is better to get things out in the open and cleared away than to have them fester so that something that could have been taken care of easily becomes a large issue.

There isn’t enough I can say to stress how important, Communication is. If it is there, it can create the strongest relationship possible, if it is absent, it will most likely destroy a relationship.

Emotional Attachment

A friend of mine outside the lifestyle says she could never participate because she’s afraid she will meet the man of her dreams. I feel that she is looking at swinging in the wrong context it’s not about falling in love (except with your own partner) it’s about enhancing an existing strong and stable relationship.

Needless to say, this is a "very" sensitive area. I believe that somewhere between love and ambivalence lies a very happy, healthy "sexy" medium that can only be called lust. It’s ok to lust after someone other than your spouse. This is what drives the whole lifestyle experience because if you didn’t feel "lust" for a person you most likely wouldn’t do anything with them.

Okay you may ask, but why is it ok to lust after people in the lifestyle? First of all, it’s natural to feel positively inclined toward people who treat you well and make you feel good. For many people, men and women, participating in the lifestyle it gives their ego a boost when they discover that other members of the opposite sex do find them attractive, it’s the old "I still got it!" That charges up their own feelings of sexual confidence, which increases the amount of sexiness they project. When you walk around feeling sexy about yourself, it’s pretty easy to feel "lustful" toward others.

Also, it’s a heck of a lot easier to have good sex with someone if you are attracted to them. Isn’t this true even outside the lifestyle? It's been a while since I've been on the dating scene, but last time I checked it was hard to get into it if you had to put a bag over your partner’s head or tape their mouth shut to keep them from revealing any more "personality."

And of course, it’s possible (even likely) that you’ll meet people with whom you want to become closer friends outside the lifestyle. Developing friendships within the lifestyle is a happy side effect of meeting so many nice, sexy new couples.

None of this can be a problem if you and your mate talk about it openly, and if you are able to identify your feelings and separate them from the way you feel about your spouse.

Emotional attachment is a problem when you start to "fall in love". Falling in love with someone you swing with is a BAD idea, for several reasons:
1) It can lead to illicit sexual encounters, which is "cheating" on your spouse. If you’ve ever wondered where to draw the line between swinging and cheating, this is it.
2) It can lead to the breakup of two good relationships.
3) It can sour you or your "love" completely on the lifestyle, after all, if you marry a man who left his wife for his swinging partner, you "get" a man who would leave his wife for his swinging partner. If you like the lifestyle, don’t screw it up by falling in love.

The lifestyle is about sexual pleasure, finding new things that make you feel good, and finding new ways to make your relationship more satisfying. Communicating with your spouse is the most important factor in having fun within the lifestyle.

First Experiences

Honestly, there are a lot of people that do not have good first experiences as they enter the lifestyle. Being with another couple that is too pushy or doesn’t respect boundaries, or having it not live up to the expectations they have set through either porno films, other experiences or personal expectations, it can leave some people feeling cheated or find it less than appealing.

One of the common expectations and one that causes a lot of personal conflict at first is expecting, hot passionate sex with other people. But when it’s all said and done, a lot of people, especially women, feel that it felt empty and not completely satisfying.

While we are not experts, we would probably say that it has to do with the expectations we have set for sex.

For most of us, sex is connected to love, affection and intimacy and security. Sex in the lifestyle is just sex, recreational sex, sex just for fun. Without the love, affection and intimacy we are used to, it can seem empty and hollow.

While you might be with a person that has a great technique, or can make you tingle all over, without the safety, security, and love you get from your spouse, it can never compare or even come close to what your spouse has to offer you. It is just sex, nothing more.

Many people have a first experience, and then take quite awhile before coming back for more. Many people never come back for more. For them, the feeling of emptiness was too much to work through.

Some people experience a feeling of guilt. This is normal; after all we were all brought up thinking having sex with someone other than our mate was wrong. The best thing to do is to discuss with your mate your feelings, what you liked and what you disliked. In most cases this will help resolve this feeling.

Everyone gets started in this lifestyle differently. We feel the best way is to start slow. Perhaps you may want to start with just being in the same room with another couple and watching each other, or perhaps the guys just watching the ladies. The main thing is to do what you are comfortable with and when you feel that you can go one step further talk with your mate about it. If you are both comfortable about it do it.

Age

Wouldn’t it be great if you went to a club or function and everyone there were really attractive couples in your own age group? At first, yes. But then the lifestyle would lose one of its great dynamics.

The ability to socialize, make friends and maybe even have some experiences with couples that bring something different to the table. In the outside world, the things we build friendships on are age, careers, age of children and common interests. In the lifestyle, the unique bond is sexuality, a liberated sexuality that crosses age and sex, career and other boundaries.

Many times, people find out after the fact that they would have gotten along well. Older people are afraid to approach younger couples, thinking they would not be interested in older couples. Younger couples do the same, thinking older couples prefer couples more mature than themselves.

If you think of your experiences as a journey, you will find that making friends of all ages can give you new perspectives and great fulfillment. By being open minded, you just might find yourself pleasantly surprised.

Who You’ll Meet

Who goes to swing clubs, and what kind of people will we meet? The answer is as diverse as our society. You will meet, doctors, lawyers, mechanics, salesman, dentist, just about anyone.

With a community that diverse, you will most probably find people like yourself.

What’s important is finding people with similar attitudes. At first, you will most definitely find people more "advanced" than you. By that, we mean people that have been in the lifestyle awhile and have lost many of the inhibitions you might have. You will probably also find others that are at the same place as you. Even if you are not interested in a physical relationship with them, they still might be fun to be around, and can be the beginning of a great support system for you.

You will also run into people you do not particularly care for. That’s OK. Just as in real life, you can’t expect to like everyone, and can’t expect everyone to like you. But you can still be nice and social. If they want more from you, politely tell them you are not interested. Most people will listen.

When you do run into those occasional pushy people, just be firm and tell them you are not interested. They will get the idea sooner or later. Be blunt, if need be. After all, we are all adults, and can handle the truth.

Conversations

As a group, you will find people in the lifestyle to be very open and honest about their experiences. Most will even share from their personal experiences to help and show you support.

With that said, do not ask for specifics. The names of other couples they have been with is personal and should be confidential. You might be thinking, "But what about my safety. I want to know if a couple was with someone I think might not be clean."

The best we can tell you is to not party with that couple again. Hopefully you picked a couple that feels the same as you about safe sex. If they insist on condoms for partying, then you have little to worry about. If condoms are optional with them, then does it really matter if you know the other peoples names? Not really, risky sex is risky sex and you can’t tell by looking at someone if they are disease free.

"But what if they are with a couple we had a bad experience with. We should let them know what jerks they are, right?"

Listen, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and many couples get themselves in a deep hole by putting themselves in the middle of two other couples. Remember what is important, you and your spouse. Nobody else.

We are not saying that you shouldn’t tell someone about a couple that put you in danger, either physically or by carrying a disease. But there is a fine line between helping and hurting a situation. If you choose to become involved, you must be prepared for any result.

The same is true in reverse. It is never a good idea to talk with other couples about who you have been with. Generalities are fine, and can be quite enlightening in a conversation. But no one really needs to know how Bill could not get erect, or how Sarah smelt funny. It’s not only rude, it’s a violation of the other couple’s privacy.

You’ll find that if you do not talk about other couples and refuse to listen to dirt about other couples, you can keep conversations and friendships fun and you can be fun to be around.